Why Progressives Must Ban Santa Claus

Progressives, in their never-ending zeal to establish a utopia on earth as envisioned by a select group of elite social engineers, have neglected to confront one of the most oppressive symbols of the white male dominated Western-centric imperialistic patriarchy of privilege – Santa Claus! Good progressives must demand that even the mention of this evil being be preceded by a trigger warning and that safe spaces be created free of Santa Claus’ presence. It’s time the left declares a war on Santa Claus.

Let’s look at why the presence of Santa Claus must be eradicated from a progressive society.

The most obvious reason is the blatant bias and discrimination practiced by old St. Nick. He only delivers toys to the homes of Christian children (excepting Jehovah Witnesses and some other small denominations). While distributing toys to the homes of practitioners of the same oppressive religion that brought us the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, and so many other calamities hundreds of years ago, he intentionally refuses to deliver toys to adherents of Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Daoism, and Hinduism. Displaying his abject lack of commitment to diversity, Santa Claus bypasses the homes of Wiccans, Animists, non-theists, and anyone else who does not recognize Jesus Christ as the Son of God. It is long past time that society rejects such an exclusionary and prejudiced practice.

Santa Claus also perpetuates social division and inequality. Even with his exclusionary practices of ignoring non-Christians, it is no secret that children from wealthy families receive better presents than children of the economically oppressed. There is no place in the world for such inequity.

Santa Claus’ labor practices also deserve scrutiny and condemnation. He has established an off-shore manufacturing facility, beyond the reach of OSHA regulations, equal opportunity laws, and other regulations designed to ensure the fair treatment of workers. His workshop lacks diversity. His workforce is exclusively composed of elves. Nymphs, fairies, sprites, and other mythological creatures need not apply. Even the elves are not guaranteed fair treatment. There are no assurances that the employees of Santa’s Workshop are being paid a living wage and there is no union to protect the interests of the elves. Considering that alternate employment opportunities in the barren wasteland of the North Pole are scarce, we can be almost certain that Kris Kringle is exploiting his workers. Remember that even within the confines of his establishment, opportunities for advancement are almost non-existent. Santa’s Workshop has always been led by a white male. There are no females, minorities, or underrepresented mythical beings in any significant leadership positions.

Santa Claus is a typical white male Western colonizer. He established his workshop in lands traditionally inhabited by the Inuit population. It is very unlikely that he secured the permission of the aboriginal population before establishing himself in the North Pole. Even though he has taken their land, Santa refuses to employ the indigenous peoples in his enterprise, instead importing elves from far-off lands. His presence in the North Pole certainly is contributing to climate change and it is not unreasonable to believe the presence of such a large manufacturing and distribution concern is contributing to the melting of the polar ice caps.

Santa Claus ignores the basic precepts of social justice in his activities. He routinely spies on the children serviced by his operation, to the point that he can actually see if they have been sleeping and knowing when they are awake. Ignoring socio-economic factors and cultural differences, Santa takes it upon himself to be the sole judge as to whether children have been naughty or nice. He refuses to accept the fact that children are not in control and not responsible for their naughty behavior.   If children are naughty, it must be due to the oppressive climate in which they are raised. Naughtiness is a problem of all of society, not of individual children. Santa’s inflexible expectations of behavior are obsolete in a culture of moral ambiguity. Singling out naughty children and penalizing them by delivering coal instead of toys is a major attack on the self-esteem of our young charges.

Even the use of coal to discipline naughty children displays Santa Claus’ disregard of proper environmental stewardship. Why must he deliver a fossil fuel that is one of the major contributors of global warming? He displays a blatant disregard for our planet. If Santa Claus was truly concerned about the future of the world, he would only deliver locally-sourced, environmentally sustainable, gluten-free, renewable items to children. Our environment would be so much better if Santa was to stop delivering toys and coal to children and replaced it with something more environmentally sound – like kale.

One must not ignore the chilling affect of his surveillance activities against our children. Old St. Nicholas has, in recent years, established a secret police force to supplement his already intrusive monitoring of the behavior of children. He has deployed a Gestapo-like contingent of elves to invade children’s homes, where they sit on a shelf all day observing the behavior of children. Every night, these intrusive investigators return to the North Pole and provide Santa with a report on the activities of children in a given household. After submitting their reports, these elves return to the homes of children, spying on their activities from the safety of a shelf in the house. One can only imagine the pressure this puts on our population of delicate children. Rather than receiving gifts as their rightful entitlement, Santa is planting the subversive idea in children’s heads that rewards are actually based on behavior.

It is a documented fact that Santa Claus presides over a hostile workplace. One of his reindeer, afflicted with a physical deformity that made him different than other reindeer, had been continuously subjected to hostile comments and ridicule. It is known that this poor reindeer was purposely excluded from the recreational activities of other reindeer, all because he was different. Santa maintained a blind eye to this practice and only accepted this oppressed reindeer when he was able to exploit the reindeer’s disability during one particularly stormy Christmas night. In fact, progressive organizations like PETA have publicly questioned whether it is right that Santa forces eight tiny reindeer to pull a heavy sled full of toys for twenty-four hours straight, with no breaks for recuperation or refreshment. How can anyone, in good conscience, defend this type of animal exploitation?

Some apologists of Father Christmas point out that he does have a diverse sleigh team. The lead reindeer, Rudolph, is differently enabled. Two of his reindeer, Dancer and Prancer, are known to be gay. And two others, Cupid and Vixen, are believed to be transgendered. Although this one instance of enlightenment on the part of Santa should be applauded, it hardly mitigates his other offenses.

No progressive could condone the lifestyle choices of Santa or the bad example he sets for our children. Santa Claus has been photographed smoking a corncob pipe, ignoring the known health effects of tobacco consumption or the danger his second-hand smoke poses to his employees and the children he services. Kris Kringle is also morbidly obese, and, according to all known accounts, limits his diet to milk and cookies. This sets a bad example to children who may be lactose intolerant and, as any good progressive knows, cookies are laden with sugar, a known poison. All reports indicate that Santa Claus lives a sedentary lifestyle and exercises only once a year, when he spends an entire day descending and ascending through chimneys. This is hardly the type of person any progressive would subject to children.

Santa Claus is an exclusionary, reactionary, unenlightened relic of the dark ages and the mere mention of his name should be prohibited. Progressives must demand that the government protect children from his presence and that all visages of St. Nicolas be removed from public and private spaces. It is apparent that a vast right-wing Christian conspiracy is in place to support this racist, big corporation bigot, probably financed by the Koch Brothers. All good progressives must protest until speech codes to outlaw his name are implemented and government regulations are put in place to prevent Santa and his elves from entering progressive safe spaces. Only government should be empowered to distribute free goodies, not conservative Christians trying to brainwash our children with tea bagger ideas through bribery. The progressive cause depends upon swift action to eradicate this threat to a truly color-blind society of equal outcomes.

Why the Left Truly Hates the Citizens United Decision

The Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act of 2002 (better known as the McCain–Feingold Act) prevented corporations and unions from funding any advertisements mentioning a candidate, or “electioneering communications,” within 30 days prior to a primary election or 60 days before a general election.  The law prevented any incorporated entity, including unions, corporations, and non-profit corporations, from using their funds to advocate for any issue, if any federal candidate’s name was included, in broadcast advertisements.  For example, within 60 days of a general election, a right to life organization could not air an anti-abortion ad if the name of any federal candidate were included.  An environmental advocacy organization would likewise be prohibited from broadcasting an advertisement in favor of clean-air standards if they chose to name any candidate for elected office.

From the start, this law was attacked by citizens as an unconstitutional infringement of the First Amendment of the Constitution, which protects freedom of speech and the right of the people to petition the government for redress of grievances.  In a number of cases, beginning in 2007, the Supreme Court agreed with the unconstitutional nature of the McCain-Feingold Act.  Federal Election Commission v. Wisconsin Right to Life, Inc. (2007), Davis v. Federal Election Commission (2008), and, finally, Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission (2010) Supreme Court decisions effectively gutted the key provisions of the McCain-Feingold Act, finding them an unconstitutional restraint on the ability of organizations to engage in political speech.

Since these decisions were announced, particularly the Citizens United v. Federal Election Commissions decision, many, particularly the so-called “progressives,” have been apoplectic.  They argue that allowing organizations of individuals the right to spend their own money advocating for or against political issues (and particularly, naming candidates’ stands on those issues) corrupts the political process by allowing wealthy organizations to “buy” governmental influence.

In this instance, the Supreme Court got it right.  (It may even be argued the Supreme Court didn’t go far enough in its decision).  The First Amendment clearly states, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. (Italics mine).  There is no mention in the Constitution of limiting these rights to specific time periods or of restricting the types of communications that constitute freedom of speech.  The First Amendment has no restriction on who may exercise these rights or on how much an organization can spend on expressing their views.  The Constitution is clear that “Congress shall make no law” restricting these rights.  McCain-Feingold served to restrict First Amendment rights, and was rightfully ruled unconstitutional.

Recognizing the futility of trying to limit this type of speech through legislative means, “progressives” are trying to amend the Constitution to overturn the Citizens United decision.  Most recently, the New Jersey Assembly passed a bill calling for a Constitutional Convention to consider amendments to limit the “corrupting influence of excessive spending by outside interests.”  What the “progressives” don’t outright admit is that they are less concerned about the “corrupting influence of excessive spending” than they are of ensuring that the corruption is limited to advocating positions with which they agree.

There are many ways to influence governmental policy and spending money to air issue advocacy advertisements is just one of them.  Virtually every organization employs lobbyists who help craft legislation and garner support for it.  Organizations recruit and support “grass roots” volunteers to solicit support for favored candidates and legislation.  Political parties collect donations and dole them out to selected candidates.  Citizens can, and do (particularly in the age of the Internet), circulate petitions advocating for or against specific issues.  Ordinary citizens are free to write to their legislators or publish their own views using the media of their choice.  Why aren’t the “progressives” up in arms with these attempts to “corrupt” the political process? The issues the “progressives” have with independent expenditures of private money to influence legislation has less to do with corruption and more to do with control.  Organizations using their own money to advocate for their favored political positions cannot be influenced or restrained by specific political parties.  Political parties, or organizations beholden to them, are the chief organizers of “grass roots” campaigns.  They can easily control the influence and use of lobbyists through legislation.  But they have absolutely no control as to what a specific organization can say through independent political advertising.  Anyone, not just organizations favored by incumbent politicians, can craft, disseminate, and shape political issues.

So-called “progressives” are worried that moneyed interests, through their ability to fund issue advertising, will have an inordinate influence due to their wealth.  Besides underestimating the ability of the American public to engage in their own critical thinking, this argument ignores the fact that allowing private organizations to air their opinions is far more democratic than limiting messages to time frames and content approved by the government.  In addition, the value of individual wealth is greatly overestimated.  Organizations, particularly labor unions and non-profit corporations could pool small amounts of money from large numbers of donors to advocate for their favorite political positions.  Issue advocacy advertising is not the exclusive domain of a few wealthy individuals or corporations – it is now available to any group able to organize like-minded individuals and gain their financial support.

“Progressive” legislators and their supporters say they are worried that the ability of independent organizations to spend their money on issue advocacy will “corrupt” the political process.  By using this argument, the legislators are admitting they can easily be corrupted and will be unduly influenced by messages aired by independent entities.  In fact, legislators are already corrupted by messages emanating from their own political parties.  In every legislature, there is a party position called a “whip,” whose job it is to instill legislative discipline on its own party members.  The true issue is not one of corruption or undue influence – the “progressives” are really worried about who dictates the influence.  Because they, or their political organizations, have no control over the messages disseminated by independent organizations, the “progressives” lose their monopoly on shaping the types and content of messages received by the American public.  This is the true concern for those fighting to overturn the Citizens United decision.

If the “progressives” were truly concerned that those airing issue advocacy ads could “buy” government influence, they would shrink the size and scope of government so that there is nothing worth buying.  As long as the government insists of extending its tentacles into every aspect of human and corporate behavior, there will be those trying to exercise their influence so that government policies benefit their own specific interests.  Attempting to outlaw specific means to influence policy (particularly when allowing other techniques) does nothing to solve the perceived problem of groups attempting to purchase governmental influence.  There will always be those who attempt to corrupt the system by asserting undue influence as long as the government wields the power to control individual and business decisions.  There will always be legislators, and other government officials, willing to sell their offices to the highest bidder.  The solution to this problem is not to ban the constitutionally-protected right to free speech and to petition the government.  The solution is to remove the temptation to influence government by reducing the areas in which influence can be peddled.

Sadly, this is anathema to most “progressives.”  “Progressives” are dedicated to using government to advance their agenda of controlling the populace.  Reducing the scope of government, in addition to allowing independent issue advocacy, is an assault on their monopoly of control.